"I am not a girl that can ever be defined..."

So yesterday, my dad says to me "Don't let Shan (my little sister) get her degree before you, please." I looked at him and asked why I should have to get it. He couldn't give an exact answer as to why I should. He said it's about finishing something I start. The thing is I never wanted to go to college *surprised face*!!! I was one of the smart kids, so of course I wanted to go to college! wrong answer... School has ALWAYS bored me. Sitting in a classroom "learning" a bunch of shit that you already taught yourself is outrageously overrated. trust me. when i wanted to learn something, i picked up a book...just like teachers do. when i finally realized what i wanted to do with my life, i picked up a bunch of books. i consulted people who have experience in business, people who have similar aspirations, etc. the same thing the teachers who teach the same courses on a degree path. he told me i was "just jumping into something" with C.H.A.N.G.E. Anybody that doesn't follow this cookie cutter path that society has said is the way to go is ruining their life. We're "just doing something" until we fail and have to join that path. I will not. I refuse.



Of course, someone has sung exactly how I feel. The second verse of "Fly" by Nicki Naj (as Sean calls her) is it. People discourage me. They say I can't; I say I will. This is it. Get ready for it. I came to win. I want to make C.H.A.N.G.E. happen because it's my dream. I GOTTA make it happen to prove them wrong.



I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper to rise...to fly.

“I’m scared to start cuz I’m scared I’ll quit…”

Those are part of the lyrics from the song “Fear” on Jazmine Sullivan’s first album. I can’t even put into words how exactly this matches how I feel right now. So I’m working on my dream, and every day, bringing it to fruition comes a little closer. People keep saying that the fact that it’s so close should encourage me. In reality, the fact that it’s so close scares the shit out of me. Jazmine took a page out of my life when she sang this song.

Ok, so the dream is to start a program to encourage, challenge, educate, basically improve young girls. I eventually want to turn the program into a center that does the same thing, but the center would be available all the time, as opposed to being a weekly program. I’ve got a name, a tax ID number, a planned schedule, a mission statement, and a whole bunch more stuff. The thing is, once I put out these flyers and pamphlets, that’s it. There’s no turning back. People will be looking for C.H.A.N.G.E.

What happens when C.H.A.N.G.E. takes off and I have to quit my day job? The comfort of working for someone else is the benefit of knowing that they have to do all the worrying about keeping the doors open, and if the doors close, they still have to pay me, at least for a while. If I do this, that’s all my responsibility. It’s like I’m teetering on a cliff and I can’t see if there’s a bunch of pillows or a bunch of jagged rocks in the ravine below.

Should I jump? Better yet…CAN I jump???

One More Reason to Live

Sometimes I jokingly tell people that I would kill myself if my son wouldn't have to go live with his father once I died. Death scares me a WHOLE lot less than Sean being raised by the man that made him *shivers*. It's not that I'm depressed; hell I'm tired. Being grown takes too much damn work smh. I remember when people bought all my clothes and food, paid all the bills, drove me places, etc. That was the life! In addition to the responsibility of adulthood, there's the confusion of relationships and the unforseen losses like miscarriages :-( and the obligation to persevere regardless. Despite the turmoil, I feel like I have an additional reason besides not leaving Sean with Irresponsibility Personified to keep going now!

The pieces are slowly but surely coming together for the program/center for the improvement of Black girls. I think once the girls are better, the boys won't have a choice. If we train our girls to be better and demand better, what choice do the boys have? They have to get right or get left. The key to the progression of the Black community is selfless, conscious-minded people taking the time and undertaking the responsibilty of waking our kids up and steering them in the right direction. Of course we hear all the old cliches about children being the future and how it takes a village to raise a child. But if you truly think on them, they are so true and should be taken seriously.

*HUGE craving for tomato & cucumber salad just hit me*

ok...back to the blog...

Anyway, we can't figure out a name for the program we're starting to implement, but we're developing curricula, getting the word out to local schools, and already to the point of a perspective start date. I'm so excited about it that shaking my booty isn't even celebration enough :-)