the epiphany

so i'm lying in my bed, halfway watching "the princess and the frog", super full from from a DELICIOUS dinner with the besties. earlier, i tweeted that i had an epiphany today. some people may consider this general knowledge and, on the surface, i would too, but in practice, i essentially didn't know. here it is: JUST BECAUSE YOU AND SOMEONE CLICK, SEX ISN'T NECESSARILY THE NEXT STEP. for so long, i've lived like this: we meet, we like each other, we get along, we kick it, we sleep together. #itneverfails except for this time...



i met, let's call him the nickname the besties gave him lol, DD about 2 months ago in the mall. we exchanged niumbers and we started texting. then we started talking. then we started kicking it. he's spent the night a few times and we usually end up watching a movie and cuddling/spooning until i fall asleep (he works nights so he doesn't go to sleep til like 7am). and normally it would be time for #mrnastytime lmao...but this time it's different. we've never had sex or even kissed. no petting. just laying up and enjoying each other's company. ::pause:: whose mind has said, "oh dat nigga gay"? exactly what i'm talking about lol. i like him. i'm just don't wanna screw him yet.



there's sooo much pressure to have sex. i felt like it was mandatory to even DATE, not even be in a serious relationship with, a guy. after today, i'm doing what i WANNA do, not what i feel like i HAVE TO do. now i enjoy sex just as much as, if not more than, anybody else, but i decided who i had sex with based on who i didn't want to stop talking to me and not necessarily who i wanted to have sex with. there is a difference. i promise.



so all in all, i'm feeling good about me yes yess! and that's a big accomplishment for me :)

one of those days

so initially tonite's blog was gonna be about the systematic plan for the perpetual oppression of the black community...until i was swept up by a selfish wind and changed my mind. i'm writing about me tonite.

today was a decent day, but to be completely honest, i'm lonely...AS HELL. i watch one of my best friends with her boo and i actually get jealous. it's like he wants her so much, and i can't even remember what that feels like. my estranged husband (LOOOOONG story) used to be like that a few years ago, but since then i don't think i've experienced that. that someone who can't help but touch you, who just wants to be near you, who's satisfied just to be in your presence.

what really bothers me about it is the fact that i can't figure out why no one feels that way about me. what the hell is it about ME that doesn't make me that magnetic? that alluring? i know i'm pretty and funny and smart but why the hell am i not hypnotizing??? why aren't guys stupid for me?

i detest coming home to this empty bed EVERY night. i want someone to come hold me and lay with me and make me feel desirable. and don't tell me that i don't need a man for that because the truth of the matter is: i do. i can tell myself all day, but who's gonna validate and reinforce it? me again?

smh...i hate these nights. when i lie in bed and wish for a body to cuddle under. when i'm not tired enough to overlook the void i feel where a man should be...

hey y'all

so this is my first blog...ever. i was talking to a buddy of mine and i told him i was thinking about starting a blog and he was supportive and gave me a little advice on how to make this blog have the best impact on ME. (this buddy has piqued my interest in a weird way, but i'm sure he'll come up later lol) i think it'll be therapeutic for me. i have lot going on...like, A LOT. i won't sit here and go thru my whole story; i'm sure you'll pick up on everything as we go along. so let's go on this journey, together...