Greater Love

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:13

So. This might be the most romantic verse in the Bible.

There is no greater love than love that makes you willing to give up your life for the one that you love. While I believe that it might include that readiness to jump in front of a bullet meant for your love, I do not think its meaning is exclusive to, or even primarily about, your physical life.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you’d alter your life plans in order to better support and complement the person you love? Have you ever loved someone so much that you would give up the things that make you happy for the person that brings you joy? Have you ever made changes and broken habits for your lover and friend? This is laying down your life.

Why is it OK to lay down our lives for EVERYTHING except for love? We lay down our lives for our careers, for our financial obligations, for our vices. Nobody looks at you crazy when you pick up your life and move to another state for a job. No one judges you when you stop going to nightclubs because your wallet tells you to. But let us do these things for love. We’re seen as weak or flighty or stupid.

I want greater love. I want to offer greater love. This verse isn’t about being weak and giving in to a person; it’s about being strong enough to walk away from your comfort zone for real love.

Deceived by Distance

I'm assuming you've read a Bible verse or two before now. You won't get it if you haven't lol...

 

When you fall in love, you become immersed in it. You look like love. You feel like love. Distance will fool you into thinking that your love isn't enough. It will tell you that you love isn't real because you get tired of waiting for their calls and visits. You aren't patient.

Distance will tell you that your love isn't true because you get angry (mostly because you miss the hell out of your mate and don't realize how it's affecting you) and say things you probably don't mean. You aren't kind. 

It will make you wonder where they are when they haven't called yet or who they're with when they don't answer. It will make you question their platonic relationships with beautiful people. You're jealous.

Distance will have you on social networks touting how awesome your mate is because you just gotta let somebody else know. You're proud and boastful.

Distance will help you romanticize the hell out of your mate because that helps you get from visit to visit. You end up feeling like your relationship is unfuckwithable. You're arrogant.

It gave you the benefit of acting a complete damn fool without worrying about having to face them. You acted unbecomingly.

You prefer your mate be the one to call, to text, to FaceTime, to travel hundreds of miles. You're selfish. 

Distance gives you that space to think about and react to that post, that text, that tweet. You've been provoked.

It will give you that alone time to remember the time your lover was human and wronged you. You're taking into account a wrong suffered.

Distance will have you excited about your lover sneaking into town to see you while neglecting (and, possibly, lying to) everyone else that cares about them just so you can enjoy one another. You rejoiced in wrongdoing.

It will make you feel like you can't take the perceived neglect, the assumed lack of attention; that you can't deal with not being able to literally kiss and make up or go out on a spur of the moment date. You can't bear. You don't want to endure.

Does any of this mean that you weren't truly in love, that relationship wasn't meant to be? No. It means you're human. The love never ends. The thing is, you can't BECOME love. God is love. Do you think you can be that?

Because you've been told that you and the person you love should be able to get through these things together while hundreds of miles apart, when you feel like you can't, you're told your love wasn't real. When both of you are too afraid to be the one who leaves everything and everyone they know to take a chance on another human, your love wasn't true. The reason many relationships survive is because those people truly love each other and have the opportunity to look into each other's eyes and feel each other's warmth and know they can make it another day.

We battle with our needs, wants, and susceptibilities as humans, while trying to meet these God-like requirements. When in a long distance relationship, we need to be able to analyze and understand our needs because the greatest obstacle shouldn't be trying to create a perfect love from 500 miles away. We've got bigger fish to fry, like building enough trust and faith to close the distance and truly enjoy love. Don't let distance fool you into walking away from The One. Let it help you realize how much you can't bear to be away from them.

"I am not a girl that can ever be defined..."

So yesterday, my dad says to me "Don't let Shan (my little sister) get her degree before you, please." I looked at him and asked why I should have to get it. He couldn't give an exact answer as to why I should. He said it's about finishing something I start. The thing is I never wanted to go to college *surprised face*!!! I was one of the smart kids, so of course I wanted to go to college! wrong answer... School has ALWAYS bored me. Sitting in a classroom "learning" a bunch of shit that you already taught yourself is outrageously overrated. trust me. when i wanted to learn something, i picked up a book...just like teachers do. when i finally realized what i wanted to do with my life, i picked up a bunch of books. i consulted people who have experience in business, people who have similar aspirations, etc. the same thing the teachers who teach the same courses on a degree path. he told me i was "just jumping into something" with C.H.A.N.G.E. Anybody that doesn't follow this cookie cutter path that society has said is the way to go is ruining their life. We're "just doing something" until we fail and have to join that path. I will not. I refuse.



Of course, someone has sung exactly how I feel. The second verse of "Fly" by Nicki Naj (as Sean calls her) is it. People discourage me. They say I can't; I say I will. This is it. Get ready for it. I came to win. I want to make C.H.A.N.G.E. happen because it's my dream. I GOTTA make it happen to prove them wrong.



I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper to rise...to fly.

“I’m scared to start cuz I’m scared I’ll quit…”

Those are part of the lyrics from the song “Fear” on Jazmine Sullivan’s first album. I can’t even put into words how exactly this matches how I feel right now. So I’m working on my dream, and every day, bringing it to fruition comes a little closer. People keep saying that the fact that it’s so close should encourage me. In reality, the fact that it’s so close scares the shit out of me. Jazmine took a page out of my life when she sang this song.

Ok, so the dream is to start a program to encourage, challenge, educate, basically improve young girls. I eventually want to turn the program into a center that does the same thing, but the center would be available all the time, as opposed to being a weekly program. I’ve got a name, a tax ID number, a planned schedule, a mission statement, and a whole bunch more stuff. The thing is, once I put out these flyers and pamphlets, that’s it. There’s no turning back. People will be looking for C.H.A.N.G.E.

What happens when C.H.A.N.G.E. takes off and I have to quit my day job? The comfort of working for someone else is the benefit of knowing that they have to do all the worrying about keeping the doors open, and if the doors close, they still have to pay me, at least for a while. If I do this, that’s all my responsibility. It’s like I’m teetering on a cliff and I can’t see if there’s a bunch of pillows or a bunch of jagged rocks in the ravine below.

Should I jump? Better yet…CAN I jump???

One More Reason to Live

Sometimes I jokingly tell people that I would kill myself if my son wouldn't have to go live with his father once I died. Death scares me a WHOLE lot less than Sean being raised by the man that made him *shivers*. It's not that I'm depressed; hell I'm tired. Being grown takes too much damn work smh. I remember when people bought all my clothes and food, paid all the bills, drove me places, etc. That was the life! In addition to the responsibility of adulthood, there's the confusion of relationships and the unforseen losses like miscarriages :-( and the obligation to persevere regardless. Despite the turmoil, I feel like I have an additional reason besides not leaving Sean with Irresponsibility Personified to keep going now!

The pieces are slowly but surely coming together for the program/center for the improvement of Black girls. I think once the girls are better, the boys won't have a choice. If we train our girls to be better and demand better, what choice do the boys have? They have to get right or get left. The key to the progression of the Black community is selfless, conscious-minded people taking the time and undertaking the responsibilty of waking our kids up and steering them in the right direction. Of course we hear all the old cliches about children being the future and how it takes a village to raise a child. But if you truly think on them, they are so true and should be taken seriously.

*HUGE craving for tomato & cucumber salad just hit me*

ok...back to the blog...

Anyway, we can't figure out a name for the program we're starting to implement, but we're developing curricula, getting the word out to local schools, and already to the point of a perspective start date. I'm so excited about it that shaking my booty isn't even celebration enough :-)

Balance - Is it possible?

Tonight, my son said to me, "Momma, sometimes I wanna spend some time with you." I thought about it, and lately, we haven't been spending much time together at all. I got a new job in August with a late shift that pays better than most jobs available for a person without a degree (hell, even some that do require a degree). The thing is, most nights when I pick him up, it's time for him to go bed. So how does this work? This continually proves my and conscious society's theory that child rearing is not for one person, but for two. But until I'm in that place, how am I supposed to handle this? I love my baby, and I work my ass off for him. But at what expense? If his dad lives out-of-state and his mom lives at work, who lives with him????

Back by Popular Demand

So...y'all missed me? *crickets* yeah, yeah, yeah. that's fine. I am back though. I broke my netbook and waited 6 months to get a new one. #dontjudgeme. A couple of folks read the few posts I had and encouraged me to pick up where I left off. Life has changed in 6 months. But I still have my insecurities and imperfections. The insecurities are at war right now though, with an odd opponent...the liberation of my mind.

Over the past few months, I've learned a lot about who I am as a Black woman and who we are as Black people. And when I say who we are, I mean who we are, not what we've been programmed to believe we are. there's a difference. i promise.

So y'all are gon be with me right? From my discussions of the make-believe war on drugs and the way we've been brainwashed, along with my bad days and the struggles I have with men, life, and me? Y'all walk with me, talk with me. Be my ear and touch my heart. Allow me to share with you and give me a little something in return. A little advice, a bit of encouragement, and even a healthy debate every once in a while will just tickle my fancy.

see y'all soon ;-)