Balance - Is it possible?

Tonight, my son said to me, "Momma, sometimes I wanna spend some time with you." I thought about it, and lately, we haven't been spending much time together at all. I got a new job in August with a late shift that pays better than most jobs available for a person without a degree (hell, even some that do require a degree). The thing is, most nights when I pick him up, it's time for him to go bed. So how does this work? This continually proves my and conscious society's theory that child rearing is not for one person, but for two. But until I'm in that place, how am I supposed to handle this? I love my baby, and I work my ass off for him. But at what expense? If his dad lives out-of-state and his mom lives at work, who lives with him????

Back by Popular Demand

So...y'all missed me? *crickets* yeah, yeah, yeah. that's fine. I am back though. I broke my netbook and waited 6 months to get a new one. #dontjudgeme. A couple of folks read the few posts I had and encouraged me to pick up where I left off. Life has changed in 6 months. But I still have my insecurities and imperfections. The insecurities are at war right now though, with an odd opponent...the liberation of my mind.

Over the past few months, I've learned a lot about who I am as a Black woman and who we are as Black people. And when I say who we are, I mean who we are, not what we've been programmed to believe we are. there's a difference. i promise.

So y'all are gon be with me right? From my discussions of the make-believe war on drugs and the way we've been brainwashed, along with my bad days and the struggles I have with men, life, and me? Y'all walk with me, talk with me. Be my ear and touch my heart. Allow me to share with you and give me a little something in return. A little advice, a bit of encouragement, and even a healthy debate every once in a while will just tickle my fancy.

see y'all soon ;-)

premonition

so this popped into my head in november. and that's normal cuz things pop into my head all the time. the thing is, it's true now. truer than true; whatever that could possibly be if it existed. but here it is...

today i opened my eyes.
and i saw you.
and i loved you.
today i fell as you picked me up.
from my pain.
from my past.
today you kissed me and i forgot everything around me and i quivered and my heart broke my rib cage as my fear tried to freeze my heart and i yearned for you and my mind stopped and my spirit soared and i stumbled and i tripped and scraped my knees as i fell in love with my best friend.

um...
yeah...
tell me what u think :)

it's all about me me me me me lol

so i'm having a good day. got off work at a decent time, stole some good food from my best friend's mom's house, went to the park with my babyman. all in all, a pretty good day.

so i'm thinking that i'm gonna have to start taking out more time for ME. i spend my days working, going to school, and mommying. there's never any Reesie time. i'm important and i need attention, especially from myself. today i looked at myself in the mirror and felt like i looked kinda frumpy. i'm pretty and all and when i go out i generally look awesome. however, on a day-to-day basis, what with running between school, work, the babysitters and home, i feel like i tend to neglect myself.

so i vow to begin engaging in non-negotiable ME TIME :) on tuesdays i WILL get my hair done. every other thursday i WILL get my nails done. and at least once a week, i WILL have sex (it's good for your skin lol). looking good and feeling good go hand in hand, so i'm gonna see how this plan works out...

the epiphany

so i'm lying in my bed, halfway watching "the princess and the frog", super full from from a DELICIOUS dinner with the besties. earlier, i tweeted that i had an epiphany today. some people may consider this general knowledge and, on the surface, i would too, but in practice, i essentially didn't know. here it is: JUST BECAUSE YOU AND SOMEONE CLICK, SEX ISN'T NECESSARILY THE NEXT STEP. for so long, i've lived like this: we meet, we like each other, we get along, we kick it, we sleep together. #itneverfails except for this time...



i met, let's call him the nickname the besties gave him lol, DD about 2 months ago in the mall. we exchanged niumbers and we started texting. then we started talking. then we started kicking it. he's spent the night a few times and we usually end up watching a movie and cuddling/spooning until i fall asleep (he works nights so he doesn't go to sleep til like 7am). and normally it would be time for #mrnastytime lmao...but this time it's different. we've never had sex or even kissed. no petting. just laying up and enjoying each other's company. ::pause:: whose mind has said, "oh dat nigga gay"? exactly what i'm talking about lol. i like him. i'm just don't wanna screw him yet.



there's sooo much pressure to have sex. i felt like it was mandatory to even DATE, not even be in a serious relationship with, a guy. after today, i'm doing what i WANNA do, not what i feel like i HAVE TO do. now i enjoy sex just as much as, if not more than, anybody else, but i decided who i had sex with based on who i didn't want to stop talking to me and not necessarily who i wanted to have sex with. there is a difference. i promise.



so all in all, i'm feeling good about me yes yess! and that's a big accomplishment for me :)

one of those days

so initially tonite's blog was gonna be about the systematic plan for the perpetual oppression of the black community...until i was swept up by a selfish wind and changed my mind. i'm writing about me tonite.

today was a decent day, but to be completely honest, i'm lonely...AS HELL. i watch one of my best friends with her boo and i actually get jealous. it's like he wants her so much, and i can't even remember what that feels like. my estranged husband (LOOOOONG story) used to be like that a few years ago, but since then i don't think i've experienced that. that someone who can't help but touch you, who just wants to be near you, who's satisfied just to be in your presence.

what really bothers me about it is the fact that i can't figure out why no one feels that way about me. what the hell is it about ME that doesn't make me that magnetic? that alluring? i know i'm pretty and funny and smart but why the hell am i not hypnotizing??? why aren't guys stupid for me?

i detest coming home to this empty bed EVERY night. i want someone to come hold me and lay with me and make me feel desirable. and don't tell me that i don't need a man for that because the truth of the matter is: i do. i can tell myself all day, but who's gonna validate and reinforce it? me again?

smh...i hate these nights. when i lie in bed and wish for a body to cuddle under. when i'm not tired enough to overlook the void i feel where a man should be...

hey y'all

so this is my first blog...ever. i was talking to a buddy of mine and i told him i was thinking about starting a blog and he was supportive and gave me a little advice on how to make this blog have the best impact on ME. (this buddy has piqued my interest in a weird way, but i'm sure he'll come up later lol) i think it'll be therapeutic for me. i have lot going on...like, A LOT. i won't sit here and go thru my whole story; i'm sure you'll pick up on everything as we go along. so let's go on this journey, together...